Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’