SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.