How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Taking phone security to the next level.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”