What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
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The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
twitter is a journey
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.