Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
happy friday
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?