“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit