Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
You Might Also Like
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off