I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Customize Your Wedding.
is this store having a stroke wtf
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Meme Monday.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.