My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Cake!!
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me: