ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
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So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.