I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
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Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Isn’t
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.