Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.