If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that