Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
5 ways to appear taller