*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.