Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol