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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*lint rolls you awake*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.