You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.