*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Never ghost your hitman.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
When I laugh on my period
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake