I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
You Might Also Like
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
let’s discuss
#JohnTravolta
Many hands make light work
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I know
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.