Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
that wasn’t the question
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.