I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
You Might Also Like
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*