The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
🤣dope
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment