This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
no regrets
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.