Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem