HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.