According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
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Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”