It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
You Might Also Like
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle