[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
they really do be looking like this
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
🐕🍷
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.