I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.