PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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twitter is a journey
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.