Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents