I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
When they try to steal your moment.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?