“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back