I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
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The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
incredible book dedication
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.