My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
BRAKING NEWS!!
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died