Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
i wish i could marry a nap
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.