Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.