CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.