I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?