Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
was Jim off killing horses or…
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas