Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh