Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Received some very disappointing news today
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.