You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
monday
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.