I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!