If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I’ve had relationships like this
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause