When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*frowns in Scottish*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?