Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?