[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I am never leaving this website
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I can fix him.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.