Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
You Might Also Like
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.